


Stop Means Stop

by HomeForImaginaryFriends



Series: IwaDai Week 2018 [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 13:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15686310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomeForImaginaryFriends/pseuds/HomeForImaginaryFriends
Summary: After an encounter with his boyfriend, Hajime is left with feelings of self doubt and loathing.





	Stop Means Stop

  
  


Hajime took a deep breath in and slowly released it.  He had never been in such a situation and he couldn’t seem to work through his complicated emotions, making panic build up beneath his breastbone and making it hard to breath.  But he knew he was safe, he knew he was with someone he could trust completely. That’s why he had allowed this situation to happen, he agreed to it and had even been interested in doing it.

 

Hajime was tied up to the bed, blindfolded and naked with his boyfriend close by.  It was the first time they were trying such a thing but they had done their research and discussed thoroughly what they had planned.  They had forgone safe words because stop in this situation, simply meant stop and Hajime trusted Daichi fully to be in charge.

 

It wasn’t as if they hadn’t experimented in other ways before.  They had been dating nearly three years and they were friends for nearly double that time beforehand.  They also happened to be each others first in so many ways. After a year of being together, when they were more settled into their own sexualities they had started to experiment.  Hajime admitted that it was mostly him coming up with ideas but Daichi had never turned one down. There had been some missteps, they found things they liked and didn’t like but the important thing was they did it together.

 

Hajime trusted Daichi.

 

So then why was Hajime’s heart beating so fast?  Why couldn’t he seem to catch his breath. He couldn’t see anything and he thought his other senses were supposed to make up for it.  But all he could hear was his own heartbeat, he tasted copper in his mouth where he had worried his bottom lip so badly it bled, the sheets felt coarse against his bare skin, and he couldn’t smell anything besides his own sweat.

 

Daichi’s hands were on Hajime’s thighs and that should have been a comfort.  Hajime tried to swallow down the growing fear but it was choking him.

 

“Dai-” His voice rasped out and those wandering hands instantly stopped their slow trek.  “Daichi stop, please. Stop.” Hajime had barely gotten out the first stop when the blindfold was pulled off but he couldn’t seem to stop himself as he pulled at the restraints, making it more difficult to untie them but he didn’t seem to be in full control of himself.

 

“They’re off,” Daichi said, his voice bringing Hajime’s fear down several notches as he sat up while simultaneously trying to cover himself.  As his fear dissipated, mortification was ready to take its place. The normalcy of their shared bedroom made him feel stupid for his panic. He couldn’t have been in a more safer space than in the bedroom with Daichi and he still found it difficult to regulate his breathing.

 

Daichi got off the bed and grabbed the clothes Hajime had discarded earlier.  He handed them over to Hajime, who got redressed and kept his eyes off of Daichi.

 

A hand entered his vision, the fingers were crooked and the middle knuckled on the pointer and middle finger were swollen but it was a familiar sight to Hajime.  He took the hand and allowed himself to be pulled up and gently led to the living room. Neither said anything and Hajime could feel himself fall deeper into his negative emotions.

 

Hajime was a confident guy, a leader in many ways.  People looked up to him and usually he tended to exceed their expectations because he was an exceedingly hard worker and he enjoyed the position he held.  He was assure in his abilities and if he didn’t know how to do something, he simply taught himself how to do it.

 

But he was also only human and sometimes he found himself sinking low into self doubt and loathing.  It was rare, especially if it came to his relationship with Daichi, but it did happen.

 

Daichi settled Hajime onto the couch before packing the comforter he had grabbed from their room around him.  Hajime watched him walk off into the kitchen and something tightened in his chest.

 

Daichi was about as undemanding as a person could get.  He had no issues with anything Hajime threw at him, whether it involved sex or other parts of their relationship.  The man never asked for anything besides an occasional cuddle if he had a long day. Then Daichi had suggested light bondage and Hajime had found it interesting, not scary at all.

 

But then Hajime had panicked and he felt so ridiculously stupid over it.  What did he ever have to panic over? It’s not as if it were the first time they had sex, they had been quite active the past two years.  Hajime didn’t mind Daichi being in complete control either, they had experimented with that several times and found in the right circumstances, Hajime quite enjoyed it.

 

“Watch your hands.”  Daichi instructed as he put a folding tray across Hajime’s lap.  It had two plates with their heated up leftovers on it and two mugs full of tea.  Hajime took his hands out of the comforter to wrap around his hulk mug, taking a deep breath of the chamomile tea.

 

“Dai, I’m sorry.”  Hajime finally said, looking over at Daichi who had taken the second plate and had just started to eat.  Daichi placed the plate onto his lap and looked over at Hajime, which was a slight surprise. Nothing really stopped Daichi from eating.

 

“Is that why you’ve been quiet?  I thought-” Daichi shook his head once.  “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

 

“I agreed to it, I wanted to do but then I took that back.”  Hajime’s self directed anger wouldn’t leave him so easily.

 

“And that’s you’re right.  Hajime, if I wasn’t comfortable while we were having sex would you want to continue?”  Daichi asked, turning more towards Hajime who stared down hard at the tray over his lap.  “You don’t even have to answer because I know you would. Remember when I was going to bottom for the first time and we were both set, it was- you know, right about to go in.”  Hajime looked up to see how red Daichi’s face had gotten. Neither were very good with talking these things through but they were in the safety of their own home.

 

“You pulled away.”  Hajime said, remembering with Daichi.  That had been in the beginning of their relationship.

 

“I didn’t even have to tell you to stop or say I wasn’t ready, you knew and you stopped yourself.”  Daichi rubbed the back of his neck, a sure sign of his discomfort remembering the early stages. Trying to figure out how much prep to do, the best kind of lube, how much to use, the most comfortable positions for them, working around both their schedules and so much more.  It had been awkward, every second of it but it had been worth it because it was with Daichi and in the end that was all that really matter. “Did you get mad at me? Did you resent me for stopping after I had agreed to it all? After we spent all that time to make sure it wasn’t painful for me?”

 

“Of course not.”  Hajime answered automatically and felt it click in his own brain why Daichi was bringing it up.

 

“Because it’s not about just one of us.  If the other isn’t in the mood, if they are uncomfortable or scared then it’s not worth it.”  Daichi said easily, his hand reaching out to cup Hajime’s face. Hajime let out a soft sigh as he leaned into the touch, the last of his fear and the majority of his mortification draining out of him and leaving him feeling lethargic.  “No matter what point we’re at, you can always say stop and I’ll stop and I will never, ever get angry at you for that.”

 

They ate in relative silence after that but it was no longer a tense one.  Hajime worked through his self doubt and loathing, telling himself it came from an ugly part of himself he shouldn’t listen to.  The feelings were due to stress and fear and they weren’t helpful. It was easier with the solid presence of Daichi next to him. They were both honest people, if Daichi had been mad he would have said so but he made a valid point.

 

When Daichi had pulled away, Hajime had stopped because he knew it was more than just fear of the first time.  He wasn’t ready and Hajime had only felt guilt in that moment, no resentment or anger towards Daichi. Only shame that he hadn’t noticed that his boyfriend wasn’t comfort, that Hajime had lost himself in the sensations and feelings that he was having to notice that Daichi simply wasn’t ready to make that step.

 

Daichi took the tray back to the kitchen before once again settling down by Hajime’s side.  Hajime opened up the comforter, smiling when Daichi curled close to him without hesitation. Hajime pulled the blanket around both of them before Daichi handed him the remote.

 

Hajime put on a superhero anime, something both of them could enjoy before wrapping his arms around Daichi and resting his head a top of his.  The last remnants of tension left Hajime’s body as he took in Daichi’s smell, which mingled with the tea and leftovers they had just eaten. He felt warm and pliant in Hajime’s arms.

 

Hajime closed his eyes, thankful for Sawamura Daichi and thinking about how he’d make the other man chocolate chip pancakes in the morning.  Not because Hajime still felt guilty or that he felt he owed Daichi anything, but just simply out of the sometimes overwhelming love he held for the other man that was currently resting against him, his low laughter helping ease Hajime to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> IwaDai Day Three - Five Senses


End file.
